- All right, go on. Go home.
- This is the stupidest thing you've ever done! - Second stupidest.
- You can't stay here! - The law says I can.
Title 16-9-0-4, Section C.
Look it up, tootsie pie.
# Tis the season to be jolly
# Fa la la la-la la-la la-la
# Don we now our gay apparel...
OK, Mom, you're on.
Let me see that bag.
Is that what you're gonna put on top?
- Yes, it is. - Fine.
- Josh, plug it in, please. - All right.
- It's a short. - It's not a short.
One of the ornaments is touching the sockets.
Fine.
You take care of it, Oliver.
Come on, it's Christmas time. Let's get festive.
- I have to go out. - I got stuff I gotta do in my room.
- Oh, God, my house is on fire! - Mine too, babe!
Really, you idiot!
Wait up, babe!
Oh, my God!
Omar, do something!
- Fire! - Mom!
Fire! Fire!
Call the police! I'll get the extinguisher!
991. 999. 911.
- Stay out of the way! - Coming through!
"One: store in a cool place. Two: hold upright, pull pin out. " OK.
- "Three: stand back, aim away from face. " - Do it!
- Dad, hurry! - All right! OK, OK! All right. OK, OK.
Dad! The curtain!
It's over. Thank God I was here!
The whole house could have gone up.
OK, OK. I'll get a sponge and start cleaning up.
Maybe a rake... or a bulldozer.
It might not have been the lights.
You always know.
Rather than argue about who supposedly did what, I'd like to reach some accord.
- Time is passing. - I'd love to be done with this, too.
Right. If we leave settlement to the court, the lawyers get everything!
So I've come up with a fair solution.
- You wanna hear it? - Yes.
Now, I understand your point of view. You've invested 18 years in this marriage.
That's worth a lot. A tremendous amount. $163,800.
- How did you arrive at that number? - Fairly.
- You do almost the same things as Susan. - No! She's in college. She should make more.
Barbara!
There is no comparison whatsoever between what she does and...
Her salary is a base, so I doubled it.
And that wasn't enough, and then I tripled it...
...and that's how I came up with this figure.
$490,633, approximately.
I shall give you that in cash. It won't be easy.
It'll be harder than hell, but I'm gonna do it.
You just have to, you know, agree to give up the house.
You owe me. You've gotten more out of knowing me than I've got out of knowing you.
I'm not even gonna ask you what that means. I found this house! I bought everything in it!
With my money! It's a lot easier to spend it than it is to make it, honey bun!
You might not have made it if not for me, sweet cakes!
You weren't even multi or gasmic before you met me!
You expect me to keep reassuring you sexually...
...even now when we disgust each other?!
Don't let this bother you. It's all gonna work out.
The red areas are hers.
The yellow areas are mine.
Green is neutral.
The kitchen was difficult, but Barbara came up with the idea of time allotment.
This seems rational to you both?
Yeah.
Oliver, my father used to say...
...that a man could never outdo a woman when it came to love or revenge.
Why don't you let her have the house? There are other houses. And other women.
No, no, no. I'm going to win because I've got her to accept the ground rules.
Oliver, there is no winning in this. It's only degrees of losing.
I got more square footage.
Sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering if I could borrow a sleeping tablet.
- Did Oliver send you for it? - No. Actually, no.
All right, you got me there.
Which is good, because I'm uncomfortable with the charade.
It's nice to see somebody still caring for somebody in this house.
- Good night, Susan. - So, there will be no pills?
- Oh, kitty. Kitty, wait.
Kitty, kitty...
Do you want me to call around to find an open drugstore?
I'll find one.
- Should I come? - It's up to you.
- These are my favourite kind of cars. - It's a Morgan.
Of course.
It's cosy.
- What was that? - A bump of some sort.
Oh, Kitty! Oh, mein Gott.
Look, why don't you go into the house and find a large Ziploc bag?
- Ziploc? - Yeah.
Oh, kitty. Kitty, kitty, kitty.
So much for the nine lives myth.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Pss, pss, pss!
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!
Here, puss, puss, puss!
Pss, pss, pss.
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.
Have you see my cat?
Are you talking to me?
Here, kitty, kitty, kitty. Come on, kitty.
Here, puss, puss, puss, puss.
Where are you, kitty? Come on!
Here, kitty, kitty!
Come on, kitty, kitty. Come on.
Here, puss, puss, puss.
Here, kitty. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty...
- What did you do with my cat? - You're letting the heat out.
I know something happened. Instead of playing this game, what happened?
- You killed your cat, Barbara. - What?
Yes. One damn Dalmane and your kitty would be alive.
I had to get up in the middle of the night, looking for Sominex, and I backed out the...
That supposed to scare me?
If you're looking for trouble, Barbara, you found it!
Oh, God.
Oh...
What do you expect? You killed my cat! You're making me nuts!
Will you please? I'm asking you to leave!
No, it's my house...
...and I'm going to stay.
Frankly, I'm concerned about you, Oliver. You look haggard.
I feel great.
I'll take time off after the Larrabee confirmation hearings.
Why don't you take time before?
It's vital to the firm this comes off without a hitch. I want you at your best.
I'm at my best. I won't let you down.
I'm in fantastic shape.
I thank you so much for caring.
- Mr D'Amato. There's someone in your office. - Who?
- Use words, Mary Ann. - Mrs Rose.
I didn't think I should leave her in reception. What with all the... you know.
Yeah, I know... Yeah, I know!
Barbara.
You really shouldn't be here because it might be viewed by some as unethical.
Well, I am here... ethical or not.
You don't mind if I tape this...
...just so no one gets confused about what was said?
What's on your mind?
Well, since you're the one who advised Oliver to move back in...
...I thought you would advise him to move out.
Why? Sounds like you two have things worked out...
...with the red areas and the green areas.
Gavin, ever since this thing started, I've had trouble sleeping.
Most mornings I wake up sobbing.
I'm sorry. That's shitty.
But this morning... I woke up screaming.
And I couldn't stop.
I need this to end. This has to end!
- I suggested selling the house... - No!
OK. You both seem to agree on that.
Gavin.
I don't have much money, but I could pay you.
That'd be illegal.
Besides money...
...what would it take to get you to help me, Gavin?
Put your shoes on, Barbara. I haven't been into feet since '82.
- Have you ever made angry love? - Is there any other way?
Hey, hey!
Stop it!
This is ridiculous. Button up!
You wanna settle this? Let's all sit down and work it out, find some compromise.
- There is no compromise. - Then I can't help you.
Worth a shot.
You know where I am if you change your mind.
Sometimes I wonder what might have happened... if I'd taken her offer.
But I didn't.
I should have seen her toes in the pit of my crotch as a cry for help.
- Stinking bitch. - Dumb bastard.
- Slut. - Scum.
- Filth. - Faggot.
- Morning, Susan. - Morning.
- I made you some sandwiches for the trip. - I'm not hungry.
You may be hungry later. Why don't you wrap these up?
There's some things I should tell you. You're going off to college.
- You told me you loved me. - Yes, I do love you.
And about drugs - don't do 'em. And sex - don't catch anything. What else is there?
Just... about women.
Don't be led by your emotions.
Just cos you screwed up doesn't mean I will, so don't try and put your shit off on me.
Josh. Don't leave like this.
- I'm pissed at you! - So what do you want to do about it?
You wanna take a swing at me?
Is that gonna make you feel better? Then go ahead.
What are you and Dad gonna do to each other once we're not around?
Don't be silly.
Your father and I need some time alone to work things out.
By the time summer school starts, we'll have it settled.
Then I'll make a celebration dinner and I'll bring it up - or you can come here.
We'll work it out.
- You promise? - Sure.
You know I love you.
- My sweet girl. - So...
I'll be back for my things.
I will be thinking the best for you.
So long.
- Take care, Susan. - Goodbye!
- You have a great time, kids. - Don't worry about us.
Bye!
Here, Bennie.
At 15, I became an evolutionist, and it all became clear.
We came from mud.
And after 3.8 billion years of evolution, at our core is still mud.
No divorce lawyer can doubt that.
We can nail her. She's having a black-tie dinner at 8 o'clock tonight.
The food critic from The Post called to confirm the time.
She sent me this phoney exterminator's notice...
...saying the house is being gassed for termites, so I'd stay away.
- She can have dinner parties. - She lied about the exterminator.
She can lie.
She took two of my Staffordshire figures.
Any dealer would give you at least $1,000 for them.
She is financing her dinner with my things.
I want to file criminal charges and I want her thrown in jail.
- Unless you have proof, there aren't grounds. - Wait a minute. Whose side are you on?
Did she get to you?
- Did you bang her? - Not at all!
She was great. She was a gymnast.
She was?
Yeah.
Look, Oliver...
I lost my train of thought.
Come on, Gavin. Let's have her arrested.
I don't think you should stay in the house. Sell the house and divide the proceeds.
No. You're selling me out. You don't think I got the guts to go to the mat.
You don't want to go to this mat, Oliver.
Look. I respect you, Oliver. You're a professional. I'm a professional.
As a professional and a friend, I'm telling you, one way or another...
...you're gonna lose. Give it up.
I understand what you're saying.
You're fired.
Now, some of the dishes tonight are new.
Some, I've no doubt made for you before.
But they are all my favourite dishes as you are all my favourite clients.
Hello, darling. Sorry I'm late.
Well, I guess I'd better not sit too close to anybody because I have a bit of a cold.
Atchoo!
Now I guess I'll go in and piss on the fish.
Oliver, these people are my clients. You are messing with my business.
I have the food editor from The Post out there.
Is everything all right?
- I would never humiliate you like this. - You're not equipped to, honey.
Leaving so soon, baby doll? Huh?
A family tiff seems to be developing.
I don't know if we should leave, but I definitely advise skipping the fish course.
No!
What? What? What are you doing?!
What? What are you doing?!
Do you see what she's doing?! Do you see that?!
Get out of the car, hon.
You're gonna have to kill me.
I mean it, Oliver.
You don't have the guts!
Come on. Come on!
This is absurd. It's just absurd.
OK, the gloves are off.
Look, I don't wanna create a scene.
I mean, I, uh, live in this neighbourhood, too.
But the gloves are off!
Chickenshit.
Your guests would have loved this.
I expected a little more imagination from you, Ollie.
Guess I'll go clean up.
Not the Staffordshires.
- You love them as much as I do. - More.
Don't you touch that.
What are you doing?!
- Give that to me! - Let go!
- Give it to me! -
Ugh!
Good night.
Bennie?
Bennie!
Bennie?
The Bermuda high-pressure system is keeping hot weather in the Potomac area.
Look for a high today of 92 degrees.
Not a good day to do strenuous exercise.
Good advice, especially if you have respiratory problems.
Sara Murphy is at the Pentagon...
... with a report on whether women still find uniforms sexy for men.
So far, it was a pretty normal divorce scenario.
A few bruises, some broken dishes, a pissed-on fish.
But I think you should have a drink for this next part.
There are two dilemmas... that rattle the human skull.
How do you hold onto someone who won't stay?
And how do you get rid of someone who won't go?
I opened a great old one, to let it breathe.
You look beautiful.
- I feel good. - I do, too.
The Larrabee confirmation hearing went very well today.
I was surprised, happily surprised, by your invitation.
Thank you for the wine. I hope it's not poisoned.
Same here.
- We've made a mess of things, Oliver. - We sure have.
- I want to start living a normal life again. - I do too, Barbara.
Sitting here like this, it's... it's hard to believe we can't be happy.
We can be happy... just not together.
I want to ask you one last time to leave.
I can't do that. I won't.
You make so much money, Oliver.
You can buy another house and replace everything.
Except you.
You may find this hard to believe... but I still love you.
I still...
...want you.
- I find it hard to believe. - What you can't believe is I don't want you.
Well, I... Yeah, I have a problem with that. I mean...
...I think I'm a good person, as people go...
What can we do to patch things up?
- I don't know. - Tell me.
- I can't. - Please.
- I don't know. - Please tell me. Please?
- Just tell me. - Stop it!
I guess you don't wanna talk about it.
No, I don't wanna talk about it.
Oliver...
...if you don't get out of here now, you have no idea how far I'll go.
How far? Tell me.
We've been horrible to each other, but we had something - we still do.
We haven't passed any point of no return.
- I have. - I'm not convinced.
Nobody who makes pâté this good can be all bad.
That depends on what the pâté is made of.
Woof.
Bennie?
A good dog to the last bite.
Goddamn you!
Jesus Christ!
I'll give you the chandelier.
Barbara?
Shit!
You can't get out! I'm gonna find you, sweetness.
I know this house too well!
Where the hell is she?
I guess I'm on top now. And you're helpless.
I can do anything I want.
Stop it! I mean it! Stop it!
Oh! Oh, God. Oh, you smell so dirty-sweet.
Oh, Barbie... Oh, we need this, Barbie. Yeah...
No, don't talk!
Don't talk. Oliver...
...I want to say hello to the bald avenger. Please.
You haven't called him that in years.
Oh, Barbara! Oh, Barbara! Oh!
Oh, yes!
Oh, Barbara... Ba...
Oh, God! Agh!
Was it as good for you as it was for me?
Oh, what's going on here?
Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Barbara.
Mr Rose, what's going on here? Are you OK?
I'm... I'm fine. Fine.
Listen, Susan...
...I’m in the middle of something now. I... I... I really can't talk about it.
Let me get the door for you.
- Is Mrs Rose all right? - Yes, she's fine.
Where is she? Is she OK? You're sure she's all right?
Barbara. Susan's here!
- She wants to know if you're OK. - Never better.
Thank you for dropping by, Susan.
Come outside with me, Mr Rose.
Let's go.
Wait a minute. I forgot something.
What?
- Barbara. - No!
- Mr Rose! Mr Rose!
Oh, no!
Oh, mein Gott. Mrs Rose!
# Only you
# Can
What fresh hell is this?
# Only
# You
# Can
Hi.
I brought you a surprise.
# Nah-nah na nah-nah na
You are a jerk.
I'll tell you what.
You say it's mine...
...and you can have everything in this house.
OK.
It's mine.
- Barbara.
Barbara! Barbara, I'm sorry. Are you all right? You OK?
You OK?
Well, well, well!
I'd be glad to help you... in exchange for the house.
No.
Please don't break the terrazzo floor when you land.
Oh! That's better.
I'm gonna save you whether you like it or not.
That won't work.
It's too heavy. It'll pull you off.
It'll work.
Oliver!
Almost.
All right. All right.
I think I can swing this over to the balcony.
- Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! - What?
I loosened the bolt. I was gonna drop it on you.
Ooh! Ooh, that's a good one.
Gavin! Gavin!
- Gavin... - Uh, Susan, let me stop the car first!
Thank God you're here! I thought you'd never arrive.
They're in there. They're over the edge!
I guess at this point, there's no reason to be anything but absolutely honest.
Through all that's happened... I always loved you.
I know.
And through all this...
...you loved me too, didn't you?
Get that, would you, Oliver?
- No? - No, no. OK, we go in.
Oh, mein Gott.
Oliver! Barbara!
- Gavin! - Gavin!
- Gavin, get a ladder! - OK!
I knew everything would be all right.
Gavin!
- Gavin! - Gavin!
We're gonna be all right. You see those two wires?
Yeah.
Each of them can hold... at least 200 pounds.
We're coming!
Mein Gott. They are dead.
Some story, huh?
What's the moral?
Other than dog people should marry dog people and cat people, cat people.
I don't know.
It could be just this:
...a civilised divorce is a contradiction in terms.
Maybe because of what happened, I've become too traditional.
Maybe it's not natural to stay married to one person for life.
My parents did it.
63 years.
A few of 'em good!
So, look. Here it is.
We can begin.
When it comes to your wife...
...I’m going to urge you to be generous to the point of night sweats.
The all-important thing is to get you through this as quickly and cleanly as possible...
...so that you can begin rebuilding your life.
OK?
Or...
...you can get up...
...and go home...
...and try to find some shred...
...of what you once loved about the sweetheart of your youth.
It's your life.
Take a minute.
Hi, what are you doing? I'm coming home. Love you. Bye.
Visiontext Subtitles: Julie Clayton
ENGLISH SDH